There are a lot of service related industries where it pays to know the name of the person helping you.  If you have someone performing some construction on your home, you’ll want to get his name.  But why in the world do I need to know my waiter’s name when I eat out at a restaurant?  Furthermore, why does it need to be written in purple crayon on my table?

I’m sure you’ve had it happen to you before.  You walk into the Italian restaurant and some overly friendly kid from the junior college comes over and scribbles his name.  Even worse, the waiter or waitress will often embellish their name with a heart or maybe a balloon.  You may think it’s just quality service but there’s where you’re wrong.

Did you ever stop to think that it is your waiter’s passive-aggressive way of inserting himself into your life, if only for an hour?  Normally, a waiter will say, “Hi there.  I’m Tony and I’ll be your server tonight.”  Within five second you have no idea what this guy’s name is.  Unfortunately, when they graffiti your tablecloth with it, the waiter has the upper hand.  Your privacy at that table has been raped–if only slightly.

The worst part of this problem is that it used to disappear as the quality of restaurant increased.  That is, when you eat at the neighborhood bar and grill, expect to have some punk kid tag his name where you eat.  If you go to a nicer restaurant, that won’t happen you think.  Those were the good-old days I’m afraid.  Now you’ll know the waiter’s names at even your finest restaurants.

Here’s what I want you to do.  Next time someone writes their name on your table, I want you to add something to it when they walk away.  Here are some suggestions:

• …is a douche.
• …decreased his tip by 50%.
• …should feel like a moron for writing his name on a table.