Unfortunately, for below-average intelligence folks, the vending machine is an obstacle in their day-to-day lives and because of their complete lack of common sense, we’re forced to wait behind them while they debate the pros and cons of Sun Chips or generic powdered donuts.

Maybe it is a minor detail and we should leave simple people alone but I would personally like for everyone to start a new trend. From now on, when someone puts their money into a vending machine and doesn’t make their choice within a 3-Mississippi count, I want you to press “B1″ on the vending machine keypad for them.

With that, we’ve created the “B1″ rule. This must catch on! I want to overhear someone in my office say, “Eww, why did you buy the trail mix?” followed by the response, “I didn’t mean to. Someone B1′ed me.”

These idiots must learn a lesson and taking the snack decision out of their hands will make the world a better place for everyone.

We all know what happens then. That beautiful piece of furniture is now marred by a perfectly circular ring of wood graffiti. Sure, you can fix this problem with some sanding, staining, more staining and a couple of coats of polyurethane. You could even hide the stain with that 1997 issue of Travel and Leisure Magazine. Or, you can just expect people to use a coaster.

Such simple expectations are going to fall on deaf ears. You’ll warn guests that you don’t want them to leave a permanent mark on your furniture but they won’t listen. The cold, wet glass of Diet Fresca is going right on the table–sans coaster.

What is it about the coaster that is so hard to understand? We all place them conveniently in a stack right next to where the incident will occur. We know trouble is just around the corner so we prepare for it. It must be too much to ask for your guests to reach a foot away to get one and then a further burden for them to aim their drink when placing it back down on the furniture.

Take a look around your own home. How many pieces of your furniture have been “tagged” by the wet drinks of your friends or lazy family members?

The excessive tattooed, overly pierced group needs to rethink where they’ve gone wrong.  If you can see through all of the horrendous tattoos and piercings in ridiculous places, you’ll generally find an unattractive person.  After all, nobody with the looks of a supermodel would destroy what they have going by stabbing objects through themselves or covering their perfect skin in bad drawings.  You may be thinking, “We’re starting with an ugly palette to begin with.  Why not ink it up?”  I’m glad you asked.

Ugly people that make the decision to cover their bodies with tattoos and piercings have tried a solution to their problem and failed.  If you are an unattractive person, your full-time job needs to be to fix yourself so that you aren’t ugly.  Tattoos and piercings are not an improvement; they will only make you uglier. Worse yet, now you are ugly and annoying.

What’s worse is that the tattoos now make people notice you.  Ugly people can walk down the street all day long and not get noticed.  Cover your neck with green and pink ink and now everyone does a double-take.

If you’re reading this from the shadow of 8 eyebrow rings or you look down at your hand on the mouse and it blends in with the brightly colored mousepad, it’s too late for you.  You’re a loss.  We’re all sorry your father touched you when you were little, but that’s no crutch.  Instead, this complaint is aimed at ugly people everywhere.  Starting today, you need to blend in with the crowd.  You can have a couple of piercings and maybe one tattoo in an inconspicuous place.  Other than that, be ugly but successful.  Get a great job, make some money, and buy love.  Until you have the money to buy your love though, try and blend in with your surroundings.  You’ll be fine.