Some people just do not realize how to function in society. One example that we’ll touch on today is the moron that puts his change in the vending machine and then looks up to decide what he will buy. We’ve all stood behind this person and wanted to shove them head first through the glass. After all, a vending machine is the simplest form of purchasing out there. A buyer of average intelligence can pick a snack, place money in the slot, hit the buttons and scoop their purchase from the bottom.

Unfortunately, for below-average intelligence folks, the vending machine is an obstacle in their day-to-day lives and because of their complete lack of common sense, we’re forced to wait behind them while they debate the pros and cons of Sun Chips or generic powdered donuts.

Maybe it is a minor detail and we should leave simple people alone but I would personally like for everyone to start a new trend. From now on, when someone puts their money into a vending machine and doesn’t make their choice within a 3-Mississippi count, I want you to press “B1″ on the vending machine keypad for them.

With that, we’ve created the “B1″ rule. This must catch on! I want to overhear someone in my office say, “Eww, why did you buy the trail mix?” followed by the response, “I didn’t mean to. Someone B1′ed me.”

These idiots must learn a lesson and taking the snack decision out of their hands will make the world a better place for everyone.

People expect to keep their coffee table looking nice when they spend hundreds of dollars on it. Their plans are often short-lived because inevitably a friend will come over or one of their own retarded children will stab them in the back and sit an icy beverage directly on the shiny, pristine surface.

We all know what happens then. That beautiful piece of furniture is now marred by a perfectly circular ring of wood graffiti. Sure, you can fix this problem with some sanding, staining, more staining and a couple of coats of polyurethane. You could even hide the stain with that 1997 issue of Travel and Leisure Magazine. Or, you can just expect people to use a coaster.

[Read more →]

They say that everyone has a story.  We all start out as little babies with clean slates and events in our lives shape us into who we become.  However, somewhere along the lines, something goes haywire in a select group of people’s lives and those individuals feel they need to draw attention to themselves in drastic ways.

The excessive tattooed, overly pierced group needs to rethink where they’ve gone wrong.  If you can see through all of the horrendous tattoos and piercings in ridiculous places, you’ll generally find an unattractive person.  After all, nobody with the looks of a supermodel would destroy what they have going by stabbing objects through themselves or covering their perfect skin in bad drawings.  You may be thinking, “We’re starting with an ugly palette to begin with.  Why not ink it up?”  I’m glad you asked.

[Read more →]